Authenticity can be defined as honesty with oneself. In other words, be true to yourself. Authentic people have learned to be honest with themselves and live by their personal value system. Developing this skill is not always easy. The authentic individual recognizes the connection between all living things and can be vulnerable and set limits in their relationships. Self-esteem is based on authenticity. Therefore, being true to yourself, living according to your personal values, translates into feeling good about yourself.
One step toward true self-esteem is becoming aware of how you think and what you say to yourself. Most of us are unaware of the things we say to ourselves that can be detrimental to our self-esteem. If we grew up in a situation where a caregiver insulted us, we will unconsciously keep repeating that insult until we realize it. When we become aware of the negative messages that we may have introjected, we can begin to change them. It is vital to consciously increase awareness of how we think and what we say to ourselves.
Thinking highly critically and judgmentally is another problem that can affect our self-esteem. If we judge others a lot, chances are that we also judge ourselves. Although evaluation and judgment are normal, it is also normal to have biases and distortions in evaluations and judgments. With increased self-awareness, people can recognize when they may be distorting their perceptions. As a result, people can make more realistic and less harsh evaluations.
For many years, advertising in our culture has manipulated and distorted perceptions of reality. It can be difficult for people to know who they are and why they are doing something if much of what they do has been prescribed by advertising or cultural norms. The BBC documentary The Century of the Self focuses on how “those in power have used Freud’s theories to try to control the dangerous crowd in an era of mass democracy.” Adam Curtis, 2002. Freud’s nephew, Edward Bernase, used Freud’s theories to “create the model consumer” and “manage the unconscious mind of the consumer.” As a consequence, many have followed their prescribed definition of success as financial success and live lives of empty prosperity.
To be authentic, we must think about what we believe, what we value, and who we choose to be in each moment. Instead of automatically accepting something because others have done it, it is healthy to question the beliefs and thoughts of others before taking them on as your own. Therefore, developing our individual perspective and value system is vital to authentic self-esteem.
Meaning is another quality that is important to living a life with true self-esteem. This means living a life with a sense of purpose. Meaning is based on what each of us finds important. Without it life has no purpose, has no guidelines. Some ways we find meaning is through our career, relationships, causes, lifestyle, and spiritual beliefs. Meaning connects us to something that is bigger than ourselves. Knowing what we feel is important so that we can make informed decisions about what to do with our lives. As a consequence of living faithfully to our personal values and meanings, we develop a sense of integrity, which is a vital aspect of authentic self-esteem.
Integrity is the quality of having honest motivations for one’s actions. It is the opposite of hypocrisy. Someone who has a sense of wholeness in their life has integrity. A person who can behave in accordance with her values, beliefs and principles is living a life of integrity.
Developing authentic self-esteem is part of the maturation process. In Men in Therapy, (2009), David Wexler writes, “A hallmark of the mature, authentic self is the ability to assess the personal past and personal present with a minimum of denial and distortion” (page 245). Consequently, this requires that people accept responsibility for their part in relationships that work well and those that do not. Blaming others is a sign of immaturity and also suggests that the people who blame have such low self-esteem that they cannot bear to think about their mistakes. In addition, guilt prevents empathy, which is essential for an intimate relationship. According to Wexler, “Empathy is considered one of the highest forms of affective development” (page 253).
Self-awareness is where authentic self-esteem begins. Conscious awareness of the messages we are giving ourselves helps us improve our internal dialogue. Another consequence of mindfulness is that we become aware when we are thinking critically and the distortions that are part of those judgments. This is a state of being from which we can increase our awareness of and resistance to attempts by others to manipulate our way of thinking. Defining our personal value system and developing a meaningful life, a life of integrity is part of an ongoing process that occurs as we grow and change. Woven throughout this process is the acceptance of responsibility. Without the acceptance of responsibility we cannot mature. Recognizing that we are fallible human beings who make mistakes makes us more vulnerable and kind. The process of developing a mature sense of humility is one that results in authentic self-esteem. Authentic self-esteem is based on who we are and who we are becoming, here and now. Authentic self-esteem has nothing to do with how we look, what we own, who we know, where we’ve traveled, how much we know, our IQ, number of degrees, or level of creativity. We can raise our true self-esteem every day, moment by moment, here and now.