Most parents want their children to be on a successful and happy path in high school or middle school before they transition to high school. If your preteen son or daughter has ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), he or she is likely to face greater challenges at home and at school. Helping your preteen son be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted at home and school will require you to improve her parenting skills.
Fortunately, all it takes is seeing how you interact with your child and you can use the following skills that can and will work for you:
- Believe in your tween’s potential to be great! It can be difficult to accept that your child is different from others in the way he learns, and it can be easy to forget how important a role parents play in being a role model. Any preteen who can sense or be aware of her parents’ concern may experience anxiety about school and develop low self-esteem as they enter adolescence. There is an old quote from the German author Goethe: “If you treat an individual as he is, he will remain as he is. But if you treat him as if he were what he should be and could be, he will become what he wants.” should be and could be.” If he treats his preteen as if he is already the person he would like him to be, he will be able to become that person.
- Highlight their positive behavior…they will repeat it! All parents get angry at their tweens from time to time, and have difficulty following through or taking impulsive actions, who wouldn’t be frustrated? However, if you find yourself scolding or yelling more, this step is especially important. Many parents easily forget to notice all the positive ways their preteen is behaving. Whether it’s something small like saying thank you, a random act of kindness, or completing a task. Acknowledging and praising positive actions and choices will not only improve the way they see themselves, but can also make them do it more. They may not admit it, but your attention and recognition as a parent is important even as they grow older.
- Involve them in problem solving, don’t punish them. Have you ever felt like throwing your hands in the air and yelling, “I’ve tried everything and nothing works!” If yelling, lecturing, threatening, and being punished haven’t worked, it’s time to take a different approach to managing problem behaviors. Imagine you ask your preteen to do his homework after he gets home from school. Now imagine finding them, five minutes later, playing video games. What is the best way to handle this if nothing else works? As frustrating as it sounds, the best approach is to remind your tween what he wanted her to do. Punishing our lost privileges only makes sense if your tween is being defiant. Being distracted is common for any tween, and for a tween with ADHD this is often the norm. Give some extra thought to what goals are realistic and achievable for them at home, and reward them for each accomplishment until the behavior becomes routine. Doing chores around the house can be a way to earn an allowance or privileges. Be sure to bring your tween to the table and be on the same team to discuss what needs to change, and say, “There’s a problem and I need your help to solve it.” The more you involve them and treat them as if they are mature, the better the result will be in reaching a solution.
- Listen to them before deciding and saying “No” and know when to say “yes.” All tweens and teens should be told “no” to prevent them from making a mistake or when it’s not possible to give them what they want. Keep in mind that if your tween with ADHD senses that she’s saying no out of reflex, she’s more likely to do what she told him “no” impulsively. Get in the habit of listening to them and saying, “I heard what you said…” or “I know this is important to you.” Before you give them your reasoning for saying no, model thinking and talking about things. There may be times when you need to take a deep breath, think about it, and say “yes.”
- Consistency at home matters Whatever you do at home every day, it’s important to be consistent. Breaking routines at home or a last-minute change can throw off a tween who often feels like they spend most of their time out of balance keeping track of things at home and school. Start actively practicing these strategies at home with your tween and you’ll start to see a difference in the way she responds to you. Parenting is never easy and it takes patience and love for your children when using approaches to manage bad habits. Being a father is a full-time job, and yet it is the most important role you will ever play in her life.