“Mourning, like life, is a journey to be traveled.”
I became a student of grievance many years ago, particularly after the tragic deaths of my brother in 1982 and my mother in 1985. What I immediately realized was how ill-prepared my family and I were to deal with such powerful feelings of grievance. . Like most people in the Western world, we were never taught what to do when our hearts break. It’s a multigenerational phenomenon that misinformation about dealing with sad or painful emotions is passed from one set of parents to their children, to the next, and so on.
Everyone felt uncomfortable around us grieving, just as I had always felt uncomfortable around other people dealing with loss. It seemed like we were all expected to act like we were fine and keep our painful feelings to ourselves.
“Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone.”
In 1995, at age 10, the youngest of my 3 children was diagnosed with leukemia. After 8 days of intensive chemotherapy at Children’s Hospital, Craig developed a blood infection that his body could not fight. He died just 20 days after his diagnosis was made.
Craig’s death completely shattered my world. I tried to work with the misinformation I had learned about dealing with grief such as: “hurt alone, stay busy, be strong, don’t feel bad, and time heals all wounds.” None of these loss myths worked! I still felt a huge loaf. Discovering that I had an unprecedented need to cry and express my deep pain, I found someone I could trust…a good friend who didn’t make intellectual comments or offer advice. She only listened to my deepest emotions, she allowed me to cry and then she gave me hugs. Thanks to this release I was able to feel better. He was definitely onto something!
Since Craig’s death, my life has completely changed course. It has become my constant calling and ministry to help others deal with their losses. One thing has led to another throughout this journey. First, I was inspired to create a book and CD, “Sundance, Craig’s Story.” Later, I became a public speaker and presenter, and most recently, a certified duel! Recovery® Specialist.
In this limited space, I’ll do my best to share a few things I’ve learned.
1. Grievance is the normal and natural reaction to any type of loss. (There are 43 potential types of loss that we can encounter in our lives!)
2. Grievance is the conflicting mass of human emotions that follows the end of or a change in a familiar pattern of behavior.
3. The grievance is an emotional process, and not of the intellect.
4. We humans mourn all our losses.
5. Mourners just want to be heard!
My best advice to you is to find a safe person to share your grief with, like I did after Craig died. You must express your feelings, or they will be stored within you, and your healing will be limited and delayed!
If someone else is grieving, be a big heart with ears. Listen to them without giving an intellectual response. Be a safe place for them. When you’re done talking, simply offer your expression of sympathy and then offer a hug. These simple acts are incredibly effective and healing! Just involve your humanity!
Again, I want to emphasize that we are all mourners, and mourners just want to be heard.
The song “Sundance” was the first of many gifts I received on my complaint journey. Three days before Craig died, he was in a coma, on a respirator.” That day I told him that when he came home, we would write a song, just for him. Craig had been my piano student for four years and had done a little composer himself. Three days after his funeral, I was sitting alone, feeling utterly destroyed. I heard a whisper telling me to go to the piano. “What emerged was the beginning of a sweet melody…just a few bars. I knew right away that this was the song for Craig. I also knew the song would be titled “Sundance” because of the vision I had the day after he died. What I saw was Craig in a beautiful, lush meadow of spectacular flowers. He was dancing with the spirits of other children and they were all surrounded by the most intense, heavenly, warm sunlight. It was so beautiful there. They gave me a much-needed gift that helped inspire me to keep going and survive.
Eventually I finished the song and learned that this is a bridge or transition song. It is a universal message to all of us that there is life after death. The song takes you through all the transitions… life on earth, death and the afterlife. The song ends with a message from Craig telling us that he is doing very, very well and that we will all meet again.
I wish you peace and the profound richness that life has to offer!