Eine Folge, vier Schmusereien: Der „Bachelor” lässt sich nicht lumpen.
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Innsbruck – test, test, test. That is the order of the day. Even with the “Bachelor”. After weeks of wasting time, it comes out Niko Griesert in episode seven as the ultimate super spreader. Nobody is safe from the dangerous southern German mouth – the last six survivors are put into the leak down without being asked and have to endure one mangy throat swab after the other. The Chancellor of the mouth hopes to gain important insights from the rapid test orgy, as he himself puts on record: “This week will not be easy for women. Everything is definitely still open.“And soon everyone will know someone who has messed with the” Bachelor “.
Beim Dreierdate herrscht Partystimmung.
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Apparently, the dress rehearsal for the rose finale is also part of his ingenious test strategy. I can’t explain otherwise why he is quoting the two very favorite heart rivals Michèle and Mimi for a threesome date. “It’s like combining a chocolate cake with a wiener sausage“, the latter practices with the usual modesty. And the station wagon is really no pleasure. Just like the whole trip: The trio cycles to a farm. Well, Michèle at least tries. In previous seasons you would have been in the middle of the jungle at this point bathed in a waterfall or jumped into a burning volcano in a Formula 1 car – instead, embarrassingly quiet snacks outside at minus 234987 degrees and then fondled on real animal fur in the stable. The whole thing looks like a cringes crossover with ” Farmer is looking for a wife “- and in the end, the lustful farmer Niko Nimmersatt invites Michèle, who is quiet as a mouse, to join in for a shepherd’s hour. The grumbling Mimi, however, has to leave the barn festival early. And can cycle home alone again.
The petting turns into a saliva zoo
Of course, there is joy. Because the good thing about Mimi is that she is more or less a premium patron, so she can put up with such a supposed disgrace without any problems and also clearly shows great understanding for Niko’s decision: “He seriously left them there, did you? He just wants them. And he adores them so stupidly, I could throw up.“Oh. There are just days when you feel more in the mood for a crunchy Viennese sausage because you are slowly fed up with the chocolate cake.
Warum liegt hier eigentlich Stroh rum? – Der Beginn einer jeden guten Lovestory.
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Upstairs on the hayloft bed, surrounded by sparkling fairy lights and wrapped in a sea of cozy blankets, Michèle lies there like a particularly rare and emotionless species of trout that likes to pretend to be dead by infantile giggles in order to awaken the hunting instinct of the opposite sex . And Niko? Of course, he not only loves it, but also, as usual, pulls out his comatose compliment bait and is about to snap: “You are sweet. ? “- Auweia Michèle, get ready, he’s about to unpack the mouth-to-mouth route …”Very cute, actually. ?? “MICHÈLE! THIS IS NOT AN EXERCISE!
The close-up animal in heat crawls closer and closer – and languishes at its bed-hungry object at least as in love as I do a cup of Ben & Jerries after eating healthy for two hours for a change. And this sinfully expensive ice cream always takes forever to thaw. Like Michèle. At some point, however, the tongue-in-cheek Niko has enough to wait – before he even starts panting and males, he finally spoons around in her oral cavity with his licking rag.
Missed the “Bachelor” episode?
And he really seems to have liked it: “At that moment I only had Michèle with me.“Um, yeah. And the RTL camera team, the sound type, three editors, two set designers, an imagesetter and not to forget the unmotivated intern.”I also notice that I have invested such a small piece of my heart in her.“But before he could invest other parts of his body in her, she was sent back to the Dirndl domicile to be on the safe side.
Great mood
There the camera picks up the bathroom door late in the evening. Apparently Stephie is showering in Mimi’s tears. Subtitles pop up. “I’ll lose to you in the end I can no longer talk you positively all the time because nobody does that for me“, Stephie laments in the direction of her former bosom friend, who, surprisingly, only thinks of herself.”Safe no. I can tell you I’ll be kicked out next week.“Whoa, seriously? Mimi is like those typical class nerd who cry because they” definitely have a bad grade “in their schoolwork – and then get back a A. Terrible.
„Hier ist dein Zeugnis. Und jetzt verschwinde.”
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On the next individual date, Niko is the one who awards the grades. Oh. OK. What he gives Hannah in the observatory is not a smooch certificate at all? Like right now? Achsooo. He gave her a star on RTL’s neck and christened her name. And the certificate was included in the Jochen Schweizer package for free. Understand. Well then everything is fine. At least until Mimi learns that her future husband has kissed two women within two days. After a mental breakdown on the bunk bed frame in the bedroom, I think she has a very pragmatic solution in mind: “Has there ever been a Bachelor’s degree murder?”
Not yet. In return, she practices the next day and lets out her fantasies and aggressions on an innocent piñata. And Karina and Stephie’s upcoming three-way date almost resulted in deaths. The culprit: a fluffy alpaca. “They can’t kick back, can they?“, Karina makes sure of the peacefulness of the animals before going for a walk in the forest.”No no no“, DDr. vet talks shop. Niko Griesert full of conviction. And yes, really: Alpacas would never do something like that. Never ever. Unless they hate you. Then you feel like Stephie.
Linda, the charmeleon
And actually that would have been a sign. With this gesture, my Spirit Animal just wanted to say: “Finally piss off and kindly let Karina do it. ” The “Bachelor” has so far spoken even less with Miss Powder Puff than with an average decorative vase. Somehow, it is just dragged along, one after the other, like those tin cans that hang on the back of a wedding car. That would at least the whole earth in her face But Niko once again doesn’t check anything and sends her home after ice skating and drinking mulled wine. So I’d be glad. A guy who only pours me a mini sip can pull the leash straight away.
Wenn nicht mal das Alpaka Bock hat, dich kennenzulernen.
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And speaking of pulling the leash: At Tête-à-tête with Stephie, Niko mutates again into a naughty puppy, who is happy about everyone and immediately slaps across your face. And he also whispers the same thing in her ear pierced a hundred times, like Hannah 24 hours earlier and Michèle 48 hours earlier: “I feel really good with you.“Another 24 hours later he also lets Linda know, who is finally released from her long suffering and is now chosen for an individual date instead of another victim date.
Mein Blick, wenn mein hackedichtes Ich versucht, nicht ins Taxi zu kotzen.
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After one of the already dumped candidates has run away with the “Bachelor” chauffeur, Niko has to drive the rented cart by himself from now on and picks up Linda in her fiery red flamenco fumble somewhere in the pampa on the side of the road, like the taxi driver I trust me after one partying night in front of the mousetrap. And the conversations are just as in-depth as I then have during the trip with two per thousand intus:
- “Do you have the feeling that you can find love here? “
- “I think it’s totally awesome. I wouldn’t have thought that you existed. “
- “You have the mini ears.“
- “You are really a man of your own.“
It’s fascinating. Episode one, episode out Linda is furious about the “Bachelor” and the lack of attention he pays her threatens with voluntary departure, refusal of roses and violence. And as soon as he is near her, the riot brush becomes a riot comb and she melts in his pens digging up her legs in the direction of Monika like butter in the sun. She changes her mood as quickly as her wigs. But you have to see it practically: if he takes the mobile head of hair at the end, he gets 17 personalities in one person’s body .
Linda packt sogar schon die Fußkrallen aus.
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Embarrassing possession claims
Personality number 1 – “the loudmouthed” – is then back on the line after returning from the Tegernsee dinner date. Because of course those who stayed at home want to know whether he has sunk the tip of his mouth for the fourth time in a row today. “Uuuund?“-“What and’? Did we have sex? All I can say to you is: I’m back in the game, guys!“And you can guess who doesn’t feel like playing this game anymore (or has never really had it)? Yep. Exactly. You are spot on.”Coming back and doing one ‘is mine now’ I just don’t think it fits. It just doesn’t work“, rages the perpetual mimiosis, which constantly scents high treason, and has apparently already forgotten that it was Hannah who only spoke to Hannah the day before, sayingGive my husband my regards“said goodbye to the date. Who will tell her?
Die diesjährige „Bachelor”-Staffel in a Nutshell.
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In any case, Niko doesn’t have much to say to her on the Night of the Roses. But he kindly explains the principle of the show to her again. He has all the more to say to her heart rival Michèle: “The kiss was so damn good. That was such a bam moment and I think about it a lot and I would have loved to stay with you forever“, he attests to her maximum erectile potential, only to flip her mouth at Linda five minutes later out of nowhere, while the rest of them don’t notice. Shut up, the fourth, my friends!
Homie instead of home dates
Wenn du plötzlich merkst, dass der letzte Shot vielleicht doch nicht die beste Idee war.
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And when Elton John’s tearful scraps of “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word” suddenly peeled through the boxes during the strenuous group swaying, Karina ran howling into the ladies’ room. Apparently at that moment she realized that – apart from indoor plants, decorative elements and possibly the intern – it is the only thing the “Bachelor” has not yet kissed. Niko runs after her and does what every man is known to always and absolutely should do when he wants to comfort a woman: he lies to her. “Do not worry“is namely bachelor’s home language for” Tschüssikowsi “- and after this bad news Karina continues to whisper that you could almost think that she had a blatant affair with the guy behind the camera.
Hannah reacts more calmly, who is also not allowed to go to the home dates, but remains just a homie for Niko. It would have been a miracle if a sincere, authentic, normal, not rash and sympathetic woman had won the “Bachelor”.