Assertiveness is the art of being vigorously sure of yourself. It is being able to tactfully express your opinions, feelings, and rights without hesitation in a way that does not offend others. However, a fine line separates assertiveness from aggressiveness. Being assertive comes from a sense of self-esteem and confidence, thus reflecting strength, while being aggressive comes with a need to defend oneself, thus conveying hostility.
unassertive behavior
As we grow up, the world teaches us the art of ‘fitting in’ or ‘blending into the background’. Which means that even if our opinions and desires differ from those around us, we are taught not to express them because that could draw unnecessary attention to us and the probability of it being negative is high. So we walk through life accepting situations that are internally unacceptable. This is very dangerous because it leads to ‘escapist behaviour’. We escape situations that require a response simply by letting others take the lead and make crucial decisions on our behalf. Following a leader is not necessarily bad, but remaining silent when the result is not permissible is a sign of a lack of assertiveness.
Advantages of being assertive
An assertive approach enables effective, honest, and solution-oriented communication. It allows a positive control over a situation and an attitude of fairness towards both parties.
Since most of us are used to being docile and unassertive, adopting an assertive style can be challenging at first. You have to take small risks in everyday conversations. In this way, an assertive approach can be adopted gradually and with minimal risk.
Being assertive, however, does not mean being disrespectful. An important thing to keep in mind when learning to practice assertiveness is to remember that the other person is also entitled to their opinions and rights. Your task is not to prove them wrong but to glorify your own point. The tone and volume in which you speak is a key factor that differentiates assertiveness from aggressiveness.
“Assertiveness is your ability to act in harmony with your self-esteem without hurting others.”
Different styles of communication
The four different communication styles are passive, aggressive, manipulative, and assertive.
- Passive:
A passive style is fine with others dictating the flow even when it is unacceptable to them. It is to avoid conflict at all times by remaining silent and playing it safe.
- Aggressive:
An aggressive style wants to win at all costs and focuses on proving the other party wrong.
- Manipulative:
A manipulative style is calm but cunning and hostile at the same time. Manipulate the situation without being in the spotlight.
- Assertive:
An assertive style is empathetic and seeks a win-win solution for both parties.
We use each of these communication styles to varying degrees and at different times. Our communication style changes depending on the people with whom we communicate. For example, due to a high comfort level, a person may be assertive with family but passive professionally due to a lack of confidence.
Following an assertive style
A common mistake most people make when trying to be assertive is that they just raise their voice and become more demanding. This increases hostility and the desired result is rarely achieved. Being assertive requires discreet use of both language and behavior.
To communicate assertively, you must take into account two key elements: how and what? The way you communicate refers to your tone and volume, while what you communicate refers to the script you use. The script includes the language you chose and how well you’re getting your message across. The best way to implement this is to frame a draft in advance and rehearse it several times in different shades in front of the mirror. This way you can edit and choose the most appropriate words and tone.
Preparation of an assertive script
• Focus on the message you would like to communicate. Don’t include too many different messages as that creates confusion and misses the point. Choose a point that is most important to you and emphasize it.
• Use positive language. Your choice of words should be such that it gets your message across without proving the other party wrong.
For example, your boss suggests that you conduct a meeting in a particular way. Instead of outwardly rejecting him and rejecting his suggestion, introduce yours by saying, “That’s a lovely suggestion, but how about we try a new approach this time? I’ve been doing some research on it and I think this is the right time.” Try it!” In this way, he has shown appreciation for his suggestion at the same time that he talks about what he would like to do.
• Be flexible about the outcome you want. Being assertive doesn’t mean you have to win. Meeting a predefined outcome fuels the air of conflict. Rather channel your energy into creating a win-win situation. And this can only be done by showing the other party that you truly have their best interests in mind.
“Being assertive and something really assertive has to be backed up by being fair.” -Gordon Ramsay