Parents who become involved in a High Conflict Divorce (HCD) expose their children to serious psychological harm. That cannot be debated. It is the reason why HCD should be avoided as much as possible.
Sometimes HCD cannot be avoided. If your spouse suffers from an untreated or intractable personality disorder or other mental illness, or is for some other reason willing to put the children in danger on the battlefield of divorce, it is very possible that you are in HCD. And you may feel powerless to ease the suffering of your children.
You are not powerless.
Discussed below, you will notice that some of them require agreements between you and your co-parent. That may seem impossible. But limited deals are not impossible at HCD. There are 2 reasons why:
1. Even the most unpleasant divorces are between two people who share at least some values that can be used to reach consensus on some issues.
2. Parents challenging custody may be scrutinized by divorce professionals, such as custody evaluators, child attorneys and guardians, parenting coordinators, and opposing attorneys. Therefore, at some point, it is up to those parents to agree to the things that are clearly in the best interests of their children.
For example, if your children don’t know about divorce yet, suggest that your spouse tell the children together in a calm and reassuring way. Some chronically contentious spouses will agree to such a request because they see it as a way that they will be able to “score points” with a judge.
Here are 10 ways a well-meaning parent caught up in HCD can lessen his impact on kids.
1. Recognize and deal with signs of distress in their children.
Be on the lookout for the following behavior changes that may indicate anxiety, stress, insecurity, or depression in children:
Sleeping disturbed or eating clothes.
Decrease in school performance
Frequent, sudden, or extensive mood swings.
Act out in anger, aggression, or defiance
Separation from family and friends
Lethargy or disinterest
Childish behavior or other regressive behavior
Become accident prone
Excessive parental attention, which may indicate that the child blames himself for the divorce.
If you observe such behavior, contact a mental health professional. Also consider consulting with a divorce counselor to help you improve communication with your children and address your concerns about the divorce.
2. Reassure your children.
Tell your children that you love them, that the divorce is in no way their fault, and that you will be there to help them get through it. Review those topics as the divorce progresses.
3. Keep your children off the battlefield.
Don’t argue in front of the children. Don’t complain about your other parent at the breakfast table, on Facebook, or anywhere else. That increases anxiety that causes lasting emotional damage to children. Beyond that, remember that your behavior is the model for how your children will handle difficult situations that they may encounter when they become parents.
Four. He passed Outside Of its buttons!
Spouses in dysfunctional marriages know well how to expose each other’s vulnerabilities and provoke the other’s anger. Use that knowledge to avoid pressing your spouse’s buttons, because anything that increases conflict increases the chances of harming your children.
Use what you know about your spouse to avoid confrontations and plan an escape route from those you can’t. For example, limit face-to-face encounters with your quarrelsome spouse by arranging to pick up the children at school or extracurricular activities rather than at your home. If that’s not practical, swap children in a public place where arguing or getting out of control is less likely, and where you can get out quickly if necessary.
5. Try to resolve your divorce issues as soon as possible.
Make sure you meet all deadlines to produce documents and information, and be available for short dates, meetings with the professionals involved, depositions, etc. The sooner your divorce ends, the better off your children will be.
6. Confirm agreed-upon deviations from parenting schedules or other arrangements you make with your spouse immediately in writing.
You can’t avoid all the problems caused by spouses hell-bent on wreaking havoc. But confirming conversations in writing can make it more difficult or costly for your spouse to claim a lack of knowledge of a schedule change, or that you did not communicate notice of a teacher’s meeting. A quick email or text message can avoid many of these “misunderstandings” and prevent your children from having the additional conflict they create. Online co-parenting tools that include message boards like ourfamilywizard.com can also be very helpful.
7. Make sure interim and final agreements regarding custody and access contain sufficient detail to avoid misunderstandings and manipulation.
Agreements that lack sufficient detail are invitations for conflicting parents to create confusion, push over vague boundaries, and unleash their need to fight. Capable attorneys can at least reduce the chances of disputes and obstructions. If you cannot afford an attorney to represent you, find out if your state allows representation of “disaggregated” or “discrete” tasks whereby you can hire one to perform limited specific tasks, such as writing agreements.
8. Use attorneys as firefighters.
If you and your spouse are represented by an attorney, ask your attorney to propose to your spouse’s attorney ground rules that can reduce the stress on your children and avoid putting them in situations where they feel they need to “take sides.” Such rules may include prohibitions on belittling the other parent or using children as messengers, and methods for handling the unavailability of a parent or child for scheduled time together.
Your spouse may try to evade or manipulate the rules to your advantage. But your spouse’s attorney may now feel some responsibility to control his client. And whatever restrictions the rules create is to your kids’ advantage.
9. Plan ahead to control conversations with your spouse.
Avoid additional conflict and increase your chances of productive arguments by leaving as little risk as possible when dealing with your conflicting spouse.
Let’s say you are anticipating a conversation about whether your child should go to the high school football team. Your spouse upholds the virtues of discipline and teamwork and discipline, and you are concerned about the growing evidence of concussion brain injuries suffered by high school players.
First, make sure the scope of the discussion is clear. Then take some time before the discussion to understand your spouse’s position. You may find that your spouse is not just arguing to argue, but genuinely believes that your child would benefit from the experience.
During the discussion, use that understanding to help you treat your spouse with empathy and respect. For example, you could concede the benefits of discipline and teamwork, but suggest another sport that offers them as much health risk.
10. Never say die!
Don’t be overwhelmed by the obstacles to good parenting that a high-conflict divorce will put you in the way. Never stop trying to protect your children. At the very least, acting in the best interests of your children in the most difficult circumstances can only strengthen your position in court. And you may emerge from the fray as a hero to your children.