The importance of interpersonal relationships in the process of reinvesting in life after the death of a loved one should never be underestimated. The quality of your friendships and communication with others has a huge impact on your anxiety levels, your ability to continue to process feelings of sadness, and most importantly, on establishing your new personal identity.
Personal identity changes after the death of a loved one because you will have to take on some of the tasks that your loved one was responsible for. But more important than that, you will no longer have that enriching interaction. This will change you and you will need to find ways to invest your emotional energy in projects and helping others.
All this requires good social skills when it comes to relating to others. As is often the case, our relationships with others prior to the death of a loved one are often curtailed by the time we spend with the loved one.
Here are ten things you can do to strengthen your ability to interact with others and reap the benefits of strong interpersonal relationships.
1. Just like reaching any important goal in your life, start by making improving your relationships high on your to-do list. The research is clear: good relationships will keep you healthy; You will live longer and eventually bring the joy back to your journey. The more you deepen the connections in your life, the more you will reduce the obstacles and pitfalls of adjusting to your great loss. But you must intend to grow.
2. Form the habit of calling friends by name. Dale Carnegie used to say that a person’s name is the sweetest sound in human language. If necessary, when he meets a new acquaintance, he writes his name. It is especially important to use his name when greeting a person. “Hello Linda” is much more meaningful than just “Hello”.
3. Remember to write thank you notes and send birthday cards. Or make a phone call to give congratulations. This type of contact nurtures relationships and lets the person know that you care and that you think about them.
4. Get in the habit of smiling when you meet others, even when you pass by or don’t have a chance to stop and talk. This can be especially important if you’re having a bad day and are feeling a little down. Try putting on a big smile right now as you read this and feel the effect it has on your body.
5. Do your best to join one or two groups where you will find people with similar interests. Several friends, not one or two, is an appropriate goal. You can never have too many. Just like choosing a doctor, if one group doesn’t fill your bill, try another.
6. Plan your week so that you have specific times when you get together with your friends. You have to nurture relationships through constant contact. Phone or email regularly. Play cards, walk together at night, go out to eat, meet at a gym or go to the mall together. You must spend time and make it a necessity to interact with your friends.
7. Be alert to compliment people you meet when you see or hear something worthy of recognition. It can be a piece of clothing or jewelry that they wear, a gesture of affection, or a loving decision that has been made.
8. Here is a difficult question for many. Put into play what I have come to call the Big Three: hug, wave and smile. Each day make a habit of using the Big Three a minimum of three times. If you’re passing someone you know from a distance, the wave and big smile are appropriate. If you’re greeting your friend, give them a hug (and of course, use their name).
9. Work to become a master at delivering the four A’s that everyone wants and needs: Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, and Affection. There are now hundreds, if not thousands, of ways to satisfy those four basic human needs. I love them as much as you.
Your task is to think of the many ways you can develop specific behaviors to meet these needs in the people who come and go in your life. Your list of friends will grow in direct proportion to your willingness (remember I didn’t say ability, but I am emphasizing that it is your choice) to meet these needs. It will guarantee you to overcome loneliness.
10. Last but not least, give your friends some slack. There are few, if any, perfect friendships. People are not always loyal and true. They also don’t always step in at the right time to help. There are occasional disappointments. Don’t focus on flaws and flaws. Accept human frailty, vent it and let it go.
A nurturing community is there for all of us, regardless of where we live or whether we’ve moved and are starting over. It just takes determination and a little courage to find it. There are many generous and loving people you would want as friends. Persist in the search and they will be found. So decide that you will become an expert in the 4As and believe that you have the power to build a life of strong connections.