When we were married two decades ago, I was an asset to my spouse, and my spouse was an asset in my life. Marriage is also a product, with a limited shelf life. In the old days, marriage was a long-term investment: “Until death do us part.” Today, marriage is a short-term investment. Soon, it will be a trader’s investment. Now we are neither an asset nor a liability to each other. We simply live a neutral and colorless life, without emotion or enthusiasm.
Why the problem
These days, spouses are: overly ambitious, with huge egos, who prefer the isolation of the in-laws and believe that “family” means only the new family: my spouse and me. Spouses believe that old relatives, in-laws, and past life are irrelevant after marriage.
Can we afford to be ungrateful to parents?
Can we forget the wonderful time we shared and their sacrifices?
They gave us their time and took care of us, when we were vulnerable.
Are they now in their second childhood, in their old age?
Will we abandon them in nursing homes?
We have to do the right action:
(1) Without broken homes, children need us.
(2) There are no nursing homes, we owe gratitude to our parents.
We look at families with broken homes around us. The spouses had an ego shock and could not reconcile. They could not ask for forgiveness and wanted the spouse to repent first. Now they regret their stubbornness, they showed.
A new universe
Each couple is the source of a new universe of humanity, similar to Adam and Eve. Unlike animals, human partners have a longer association. Marriage is a benchmark of human civilization. The longer our marriage survives with dignity, the higher we will have set the benchmark. No other species shares such strong and lasting ties.
To do?
Married life may seem to some of us, a perpetual negative and incurable experience. The alternatives are far from satisfactory:
(1) A broken home, and
(2) Let’s move on: let’s maintain the status quo for the sake of the children.
There is no way out: spouses must resolve differences with a flexible attitude.
SWOT analysis of the typical married life of a middle-aged couple
* Strengths
They are a well-established, autonomous and healthy retired couple; that they are self-sufficient – financially, socially and emotionally. They are a blessed family with well employed children and grandchildren, grown up and married. The spouses were always loyal and faithful to each other. They may not have harmony in life yet. Being a devoted husband / wife or parent is an essential condition, but it is not a sufficient condition for harmony between spouses. They may be living together without love and respect.
To continue living together without love and respect for each other is hell.
Living with a spouse who loves and respects you is heaven.
* Weaknesses
Familiarity breeds contempt. Imperfect – only God is perfect – spouses observe imperfections in each other:
(1) Inability to forget the hurts of decades, mutually inflicted by spouses with indiscreet comments,
(2) Inability to behave diplomatically towards the parents and siblings of the other,
(3 Inability to share life in middle age, as there is very little to share in life, when the primary duty of preparing children is successfully fulfilled.
(4) There is cold and mechanical communication between middle-aged spouses, mainly on administrative matters only. Love is lacking in life due to ego shocks and past hurts. Even if they still love each other, they feel shy to exhibit romance or express love with romantic words from the honeymoon period in old age.
* Opportunities:
(1) Now is the time to live for each other. No worries, no career goals for yourself or the kids, and no interference from other’s in-laws.
(2) Just learn to respect the views of others and show warmth towards your spouse’s parents and siblings. These are few desirable qualities that we must instill.
(3) Spouses may still have problems in common: (a) love or cold behavior from daughter-in-law / son-in-law, (b) sharing warm memories of the spouse’s childhood memories with siblings and parents, and (c) affection from grandchildren.
* Threats:
(1) When spouses value individual ambitions in life more than family goals, it affects the harmony between spouses,
(2) If a spouse believes, “I am always right.” then it has a negative impact on married life.
(3) The rigidity of views and never asking for forgiveness, as a principle, has a negative impact.
(4) indiscreet sarcastic comments negatively affect married life: “You should not have married; you are not marital material. You hold on to your parental values and ideals as a child”,
(5) Enjoying other hobbies such as: loving pets or home gardens, as a substitute for friendly relationships with one’s spouse, is a bad strategy, which does not lead to harmony between spouses, and
(6) Spouses often draw on the force of the economy in the relationship.
It has a negative impact: either a greedy spouse gives up or a self-respecting spouse promises to live within their own means. There are spouses who are greedy and love to take advantage of the spouse’s advantageous financial position. If the spouse’s family is richer, expensive gifts can rain down, which can negatively affect the harmony between the spouses.
What are the options!
Despite all the boredom and fighting, marriage, as an institution, is a worthwhile experience, we must enjoy. Single people have their own problems. Their lives are far from perfect or in harmony. The solution is to resolve the differences between spouses.
Shape of things to come!
We are in a transition phase of human history. On the one hand, gender equality has made humanity stronger. On the other hand, intolerant and ambitious spouses have diluted the sanctity of marriage. It’s a temporary setback. Sooner rather than later, we will realize our madness. Ambitious spouses will curb their ego crashes. There will be fewer divorces in society. Young women will not be hungry for money to pursue eligible, wealthy and successful singles. Guys won’t value rich spinsters as friends, for financial considerations. Love and marriage will not be like a business.
Love will involve:
(1) A pure love, between spouses, who are not interested in financial status,
(2) There is respect for the unique identity of the individual, and
(3) There is the freedom to live in past memories and interaction with siblings and parents. An optimal distribution of lives before marriage and after marriage will increase the richness of life and will not be a disadvantage.
Life will always be a mixture of happiness accompanied by pain. There will always be a painful conscience, a feeling of failure in the marriage as a spouse; like no marriage is perfect. We are not alone. All over the world, spouses feel harassed, cheated on, or dissatisfied. We feel, others are lucky, with a better spouse. Tolstoy also had his wife, not very accommodating. He was sick of her, he felt that human beings were incorrigible. His solution to the problems of humanity was: total celibacy. “The human species is not fit enough to survive. It must go extinct.”
Shocking!
It’s not like that?
We are all imperfect, we feel hurt, and we want to quit smoking, but we continue to selflessly fulfill our parental duty. We play our part and vanish into thin air. Buddhists call it the “theory of emptiness.” Why are we in this world? Nobody knows. We don’t need to know. It advances, like water in a river, It moves, towards where? Nobody knows. Leave the spectators behind. Keep going, eternally. Where? Nobody knows.