This is a funny short story about lies. Lying is a learned skill. Some people are good at it and some are not. Poker players cannot win without being good at it. Politicians cannot be elected without perfecting the art. As parents, we must be able to detect it. The key to the liar is knowing when to try (he can get away with it) and when to show restraint. Fortunately, most of our young children do really poorly now, but I predict that sadly, they will do better as they get older. This funny short story won’t help you deal with the lies, but hopefully it will cheer you up as you deal with them.
We have two children; They are roughly the same age (girl-9 and boy-7). They are also roughly the same size, which becomes important when fists fly, but they don’t really come into play for lying. As you may have already guessed (based on your own vast experience), the most common case is a pair of fingers pointing in the opposite direction.
I know SOMEONE did. It’s not even worth asking mommy if SHE did it because when was the last time mommy mistakenly (or lazily) dropped a half-eaten candy cane on the carpet floor? And sure, I had a couple of drinks last night, but I don’t even like candy canes. No, the guilty party is definitely in front of me. All I have to do is find out who it is.
Here’s the fun part: As I plan my next move in response to the interlocking accusing fingers, the guilty party confesses! … and for the life of me I can’t understand why! Maybe it’s because both of them (or at least the culprit) didn’t take the time to reflect on how even Sherlock Holmes didn’t know where to start. It is not out of fear; I haven’t even raised my voice to any of them (I’m saving it for the right time, as if for the first time one of them drinks and drives or commits some other life-threatening sin of stupidity).
The punishment is less. Grab the candy cane and spend a minute or so scrubbing the sticky carpet with a damp sponge … or if the violation was not saving the Wii game, you will lose a day of access to the device. My best guess is that the lack of sting included in the punishment is what helps in the perpetrator discovery phase.
Children do not do better in the reverse scenario. “Who spilled food coloring all over the fireplace?” produces the two pointing fingers, but only one of them is covered in purple food coloring. It’s hard not to laugh.
Another funny story (shorter but more fun), about a year ago I went for a walk with my friend and his two children. For the sake of your privacy, I do not confirm or deny that this friend is related to me, or even that this friend exists outside of my vivid imagination. Anyway, I’m talking on my cell phone and at some point there is a commotion that catches my attention. I heard my friend say, “I’m sure I wasn’t TRYING to kick you!” The boy chimes in: “I WAS trying to kick her, but I missed and kicked her bike instead.”
Well, there you have it. They have a lot to learn before graduating from law school. In the meantime, let us be thankful for their lack of skill in the art of deception, hoping it will take them as long as possible to realize it. Also, in the meantime, it provides a lot of material for a funny short story.
DENY: While the events described above are representative of actual events in the author’s life, the details of the story may be confusing or embellished for the benefit of the reader’s enjoyment and for the benefit of SEO (Search Engine Optimization – The Key Phrase it’s “funny story” … admit it, that’s what you typed in the search box).