An observation I made recently has proven to be true, most of those who say ‘hate drama’ are the biggest drama makers. I hear it daily, ‘I hate drama’ is often posted as a Facebook status or ‘I’m getting rid of drama in my life’. What does this really mean, and why do the same people who seem to create drama claim to hate drama? Could it be that they hate drama because it is always present in their life through their own actions? Scrolling through online dating profiles, my friends and I noticed a lot of men stating in their profile title, ‘looking for a drama free relationship’ or ‘drama free woman’. When we see this in the profile of a man, we immediately jump. What we hear is ‘I don’t want to work towards a relationship’, ‘I don’t want to try to understand’ and ‘I make women lose their minds with my unwillingness to communicate’. So placing “No drama please” on your dating profile has become the new “red flag” in dating. We see it as a possible sign that this man is unwilling to accept faults or resolve conflicts honestly and working on a relationship. So don’t you feel this is fair? Is it less fair than labeling every woman who speaks her mind and demands respect and honesty as a ‘drama queen’? In its original meaning, I think the term ‘drama queen’ was used to describe someone seeking attention. A dramatic person is loud, obnoxious, confrontational, and unreasonable. A drama queen / king is a person who does not see another perspective and is unwilling to accept blame. This person will easily ‘get out of control’, make irrational decisions, involve others in the conflict, and even try to recruit a team to side with them. These are the friends on the phone within minutes of a conflict who recruit someone to “side” with them and often distort the facts. A drama queen / king believes that the current issue is important to everyone and will stop at nothing to prove herself right and when all else fails she may resort to loud sobs to gain sympathy. Gossipers would be an ideal candidate for the label. They talk about everyone’s business and they feel that the world should know about it, be the center of attention because they know everything there is to know about everyone. In that sense, I think most of us really want a “drama-free” life. However, if your life is constantly filled with what you label drama, it may be time to consider your own contribution to the confusion. Relationships without conflict is an unrealistic expectation.
So how has ‘Looking for a Drama Free Woman’ become the new ‘Red Flag’? When we see this on your profile, we take into consideration that it may be for the following reasons: (Do not shoot the messenger, this is for your consideration)
1) You are not a communicator. The woman makes an attempt to discuss her feelings, you close completely reluctant to discuss or acknowledge the problem. He accuses her of being too sensitive. She is very frustrated that she will not validate her feelings. She becomes louder to be heard. His verbal frustration is labeled “drama.” Women need to be heard when something feels wrong. She needs to know that you are willing to compromise to prevent these bad feelings from happening again. If you make no attempt to listen and make comments like, ‘He’s exaggerating’, ‘He’s just being crazy’, ‘This is immature’, the result will be an emotional reaction. Incorrectly label this as drama.
2) You are disrespectful. (particularly in regards to members of the opposite sex in the sense that you shamelessly flirt and throw her aside when someone more attractive shows up). Maybe you make overly sexist comments that put women down. You spend too much time trying to make her jealous of the attention you give to other women than you do to her. You will aggravate the green monster and mislabel this as drama.
3) You are a man of mixed messages: a man who says one thing and his actions reveal another. Mixed messages lead to conflict and confusion. I’ve seen men tell women all the sweet things, introduce them to family and friends, and then tell everyone that they are ‘just friends’. Guys, this leads to further conflict that many now refer to as drama. Save yourself the drama and be honest in all your dealings.
4) You play: We all know about “nice retirement” games. You don’t return text messages for days or return phone calls and when their emotional buttons are pressed, you say ‘I was busy’ or ‘I don’t keep my phone on my * beep *’ (yes, I’ve heard this one). The latest form of “withdrawal” games includes the “absence of Facebook”. We see that men pay attention to other women; ‘I like’ their statuses, being flirtatious, ‘liking’ the photos and then intentionally ignoring their ‘love interest’ (even when they post directly to their wall). We are not so naive; It makes us angry that he is trying to manipulate our emotions. He may achieve his goal by attracting her for the moment, but eventually when we try to “call him” he calls it “drama.”
5) Simply define normal conflict resolution as drama. If even the slightest conflict is considered drama, you probably don’t want a true, meaningful relationship that requires work. In a relationship, the elimination of conflict increases as you learn more about each other. It usually follows a pattern, a natural flow. When dating someone, a bad feeling can come up. If it doesn’t seem right to you, you need to address it honestly. Telling someone how they made you feel without attacking them shouldn’t be labeled drama.
6) You are simply a creator of drama without realizing it. If you mean all the women you date as ‘crazy’ or a ‘drama queen,’ we assume you’re pushing their buttons for any of the above reasons. If every woman you dated is a ‘drama queen’, you might be an idiot. Again, don’t shoot the messenger. Of course, there are men and women who thrive on conflict, confrontation, and drama. We understand that many men really mean they don’t want “drama” as defined earlier in the definition. Learn to recognize the difference between honest conflict resolution and a person who wants to involve everyone in the situation. But, also, take a moment to consider if you say that you ‘hate drama’, it may be because you are creating a bit of drama with your own communication skills, lack of honesty or unwillingness to resolve conflicts.