The other day I was standing in line at a cafe behind a young mother with a little girl in a stroller. She was taking ages using the minimal menu.
“Is any of this, like, low-fat?” she asked, waving her hands around the display of delicious baked goods.
“Umm, not really,” the girl replied.
She sighed, “I don’t think so. Well, what’s the soup?”
“Honey roasted carrot,” the girl behind the counter replied. “It’s super good.”
“Hmm… is the honey in the soup or is it drizzled on top? Like, can you get it without honey?”
“No, it’s in the soup. But I don’t think there’s too much of it.”
“Yeah, but sugar is sugar, right?” She laughed nervously. “Then it doesn’t matter. I’ll just have the toast to go. Does the peanut butter have sugar?”
“Umm, I think a little, yeah.”
“Oh,” she sounded disappointed. “Okay, I’ll just have some buttered toast and a latte. A nonfat latte.”
“Okay,” the girl sorted it out on the register.
“Oh no, wait, wait, wait,” the woman said excitedly as if she was about to prevent a terrible disaster from happening. “No butter, no butter. Just dry toast.”
“No jam or…something?”
“No, nothing. You have that latte is nonfat, right?” She checked twice.
I watched her pay and push her stroller away. She was petite and slim by anyone’s standards; if I was anything like her, I certainly wouldn’t be so worried about peanut butter. I had to wonder if her daughter would grow up considering dry toast as a sufficient meal and fearing the terrible natural sugars in honey; if she spent agonizing minutes going through the menus and seeing each item as dangerous and fattening, opting not to eat at all rather than make a decision that would throw her into a maelstrom of guilt and regret; if she grew up thinking that no matter how good she looks, she could always look better if she were skinnier.
We are usually quite conscious of setting an example for our children in the way we speak and act; we don’t wear around them, we say please and thank you, we try not to make negative comments about people’s appearance. And we take that care because we know that children are a bit fluffy; they absorb what they see and internalize it, and thus learn to be in the world. This is certainly true when it comes to food and eating habits.
No problem, you think. I do not have an eating disorder, I would never tell my daughter that she is too heavy, nor would she tell her not to eat any candy because she is gaining weight, nor would I put her on a diet. I will teach her to love her body and who she is inside and out.
And you certainly will. But, as parents discover time and time again, when it comes to young children, actions speak louder than words. If you are “watching what you eat,” then rest assured that your child is watching you by watching what he eats. Much of what children learn happens on the subconscious level, so while you may not be verbalizing your stress from eating certain foods or amounts of food, if every meal triggers anxiety and guilt, your little one won’t go unnoticed . . And if you allow your child to have what he wants while denying it to yourself, your mixed messages will be confusing and distressing, and not being able to understand everything, your child may very well imitate the behavior he sees.
That may explain why some studies have found 4- and 5-year-old girls exhibiting disordered eating habits. She’ll notice if you put a plate of food in front of her for lunch and sit with nothing for yourself. She’ll listen if you say to the host at a birthday party, “The cake looks delicious, but no sugar for me until I get rid of these 10 pounds!” She’ll watch the change in your face as you go from enjoying a cookie to panicking about the calories you just consumed.
There is a lot of pressure on women to always be on a diet, and additional pressure on moms to lose weight after having children. It’s hard to be impervious to that. And if you have more serious issues around food and body image, they probably run deep and will take time to resolve. That is understandable.
Be aware of what you are projecting and remember, they are paying attention. As they get older, your children will have to defend themselves against all the negative and unhealthy messages about their weight and appearance that are so prevalent in the media. For this, they are going to need a very solid and confident attitude towards eating and food. You have the opportunity to provide them with that. And by doing so, you’ll not only help them, but it can help you too.